Torture or Trauma? - 06.30.23

Is it Torture or Trauma? It didn't feel safe to feel fury, pain, dejected by rejection.

One wrong move, you'll provoke it. They are not monsters, they are humans, but inside me, it feels insane.

I picked a pen up out of roses just to free my shame

I wasn't involved in the game, preoccupied with getting out its way

Getting out of my room, getting out of this weight

Best smile, tiny teeth, inside I'm rabid tortured

If I could spell it out, have it out, but I'm out of culture

To reflect upon my past, one giant abyss, in one gulp, it will destroy you

I'm not feeling okay, insecurities spilled out, and I got to put them away

They want me to be better then, but I've never seen it done

I can't comprehend the hand I was dealt, my multi-verse denied,

In each one of them splits, I never survived, looking at me strangely, but my merits a crime

I am the protector of my future and the forgiver of my lies

You'll be good. It gets better with time, but everyday past, I get ready to die.

The hold on my throat has me barely alive.

Forever in suffocation, complements don't pay down payments

This is my stay-in, 28-year isolation. Your good feelings won't save me

Chances are you'll grow old, but what if I grow fake and jaded?

Pressed for promises that I'll pay your praises

I get a head full of myself and ask you to keep me out of your prayers

Up to now, the better of me has stayed out of cages

Is it bitter or sweet? Everyone you encounter lauds the achievements you've reached.

Good person, but what's inside me that's devouring me?

It's insidious. It's clawing through me.

What torture is freeing the demons circling me?

Every time I am asked to reach, I relive it, do this for yourself, don't do it for me.

If I love you, I really love you. You were a present of peace

For every little moment,

For every little piece

I would have cherished being better, but it was never for me. So how could I attain what I've never had if I never believed? I am afraid of my past and their bitter beliefs. I am a beautiful chariot, a carriage of speech. I am an invaluable treasure, the measure for each one of my peers. I am a friend, a protector, but I've never been a lover of me.

Rocked - 06.28.23

She said, “I feel rocked”, ghost-like

I took it for an apt description of me in sorrow

Like many of my visions another sparked by the smile of a woman

Ufff, lonely man fall behind curtains, it’s damn near certain I’ll end up alone

Read a book yesterday in it a woman died at age 46

The author in disbelief how could death happen to someone who hadn’t been kissed 

Anxious moments spill into anxious nights then built an anxious man 

Double as a clone for my sickness walking, tilting into oblivion 

Rocked, but no soft landing for my bottom 

nightmare felt like drills burrowing into my jaw

Every decision pulls the nerves that hold man together like god 

But I’ve spent what I’ve earned and made mistakes when I said I learned 

Rocked, feels like I got socked bottom row of teeth falling out

Dreams, emotions, and the motives stalling out

Bent my fury by the quote said blah blah blah when life happens don’t let go of the rope 

Tippy toe by the edge, feel nothing from pinky toe to the neck, stressed, but yes what’s comes next 

She laughed, and said “Rocked”

Choked, slammed buried by the end of it all

You know that overwhelming, blaring tune of the past 

You know that love soothing the thing that failed to last…rocked…like a lullaby and bliss. Rocked like you put your dreams to the pit. Rocked like after this you’ll never exist. Rocked by the night before, still walking you know zombie-like, edible eating, mushroom trippin’, heave into heathen. 

She laughed, and asked, “You know the feeling?”

Water It 02.26.22

This departure from loneliness, every encounter with you is me chasing after life. I might be taking advantage of every opportunity to be close to you. Does it make me a liar? I am okay if you never know it, but I mentioned it and planted it with roots spilled deep in my heart. Why do I continue to water it? To watch it grow beautifully. I can thrive wherever if I don’t have enough energy left, I know my ego will carry me through. We grow from the same devil. I wasn’t anxious until it was too late. I’ll remember your soft breaths, like bubbles floating from underwater. In dark cinemas, I fantasized until my leg locked in spasms. In my head, I never got better. I keep this like I keep you soaked in today’s memory. Is it nostalgia to recreate you in words and emotion? Is it bitter that I may never have you? I think it’s sweet, like your sleeping. Up against that cozy screen, I only thought of you.

Blur - 02.06.22

Redeem the better parts of yourself come together within the fury of the allotted time. I got to get you back by sundown.

We could maybe find a place to carve out some sanity, away from the white lies we are okay with.

Take care to remember me and assure me that I am not forgotten, but revisit the burning pieces if omitted.

Once again nicked by time, forget about yesterday, let's do this again and again until we fall in love...until you fall in love...I did it a long time ago, but I had forgotten.

Met you at a cafe burning may. You were open from the start

Who knew you would be the only one to make it out alive? Nearly a year later, I am making a road trip for you

To you, would you ever realize my worry, care, attention for you

I guess it's easier to put it down on paper because I don't think I will ever say a thing to you.

Soon enough, we could start to regret with the hands in our face and no solution around, but that is far away.

Not now, not while the sun burns right through us and the moon, a backlight willing to witness every moment.

Bypass the anger, bypass the anxiety, skirt the intrusion. You got to know life is beautiful, nothing like the burning memories.

Maybe I should have been on medication long before. Perhaps I lost my mind as I came of age.

It was a blur. Who knew how good it got watching the worst person in the world.

Grow beautiful, bloom beautiful, swoon beautiful

I could get used to you, I got used to you, I can't get enough of your presence.

I left the camera, so I got nothing but my account to remember the night. I got nothing but a review of a near-masterpiece.

Down the street from braindead

Between a Reuben and fries, I part meaning, soak love and try to look through your eyes.

I moved my pen because I couldn't dare fidget. Inside my mouth, the rupture of bloody blisters, inside my thighs, chaffing insistent.

I am nothing like the boy I was at your age. Maybe a younger me would have been easier to fall in love with, but he wasn't as willing. He wasn't as understanding, burning fury, super psycho in his mind. Put me on that, please!

Voice Recording

I left you a voice recording, in it I explained my affliction. I let you know how I saw myself and how that had made me a different person during this time. I asked for peace in my decision as I had myself already come to peace with that decision. 

Sharing myself to you and quietly speaking my feelings out.

I am speaking for myself and for the things I love and allowed to create within me a vile tension.

Who knew there would be so much pain in finally being myself.

I grow backwards through the few failures I’m allowed.

I set record on and I started to pour my hell out.

Cliched and sardonic I mentioned I had come full circle with the feeling.

I was done hiding and kind of into being myself. Those voice recordings were played once and never responded to. Guess it’s a lot of nothing to set on someone’s shoulders. Mainly the opportunity of trust once again being holstered. If you can’t love me this way I’d suggest you don’t try another way.

NG - 060521

There is no other way as each one would be pious of the deity I am and the abysmal weight perched on my innards. I hold no judgement or no trouble with your decision. I may be happy at the complete disillusion forced to face me. The uncooperative deceit and the horrible crux I made myself to bare. 

Move on and love. In the only way you may know how.

Trust, trust, and trust that things will one day make a bit of sense to you. 

That you might have worried once don’t do that again. Don’t stumble out of the wind to try and love me. 

A Relentless Period

Watching the waves towering, ominous, eternal

Before they’ve consumed us we made the bastard assumption they would quiet down

Large as the pickets that spell out my fury and disgust

Empty as the solace I sought in your hallucinating eyes…

Merge the apocalypse with the haven in your dreams

For every episode of anxiety explodes at my seams 

I woke up with a beautiful idea, through the day it turned sour in the face of reality

Fantasies built up to be taken out back and executed by my cowardice

Every other day I wake up feeling the same, deprived of a feeling to relay

This time I told my world the plan, they can hold me accountable if I deviate

I grew a deviant in these days, I disgust myself 

I have fallen ill,

NG - 041721

I mean it all, but I also mean none of it

The wires crossed and the trepidation in your voice is louder than ever

I hold a beautiful spot for you in my heart, my friend

For those long nights taught us how to fail and those coffees inspired tomorrow

NG - 041621 

Preparation, fascination, atonement, and bitterness are facets of my state of mind.

Leave room for Trauma

I held expectations when I should have not. I should have never believed promises and I should have trusted my gut. I did not listen and I was ill prepared.

Looking out for you 

Eyes on the space broken up by forgiveness and balance

I emptied it out, I went too hard for you

I had many expectations and I wrote em all out

This was before you left and while you were gone

Even though I had crossed your name out before. I knew it wasn’t enough to forget you.

Completely.

Listen to yourself when you do these things.

You knew she was bad for your hell, for your health. Yet you sought her out.

In every crevice you went. Down every alley. Into any room as long as she was there.

You made a fool of yourself every single time. There is something to be said about fools. Optimistic fools that know what is to come. Yet, they forget and when it comes.

Trauma had arrived and reduced your sanity to its peril.

They have no room for it. Their body shakes in a cold fever. Their heart explodes into a million pieces.

Why must I be complacent? Why must I be all or nothing? It makes for a ridiculous swing of emotions. It makes me culprit to ultimate satisfaction and destruction. 

There is no balance to me. There is all or nothing. Every missed message is a slight. Every day gone is a slit in my wrist. 

I Remember

I remember a year ago the streets were lonely and dense in abyss

I miss it the early morning walks, my cousins presence the food, the coffee, the uneven walks into downtown LA, 

The empty street was beautiful, there was nothing in the air

Today, I am pulverized by the memory. Frozen in place unable to deal. Heavy in lamentations. 

A Poem for Abril on the day of the poets

Weak, a soft and timid man. 

Even though I had created a lofty expectation of who I want to be. 

Those aches are all the same and I see my soul floating to its end. 

I guess I write you… 

my target, 

my animosity, 

my parcel, 

my eyes. 

I have to behave myself I can’t send her another thing for she may grow weary. 

She may strike me down like she had before. 

Tearing me from limb to heart 

Placing my ego neatly into the dimness of tomorrow. 

I see her in my plans 

I pray to the god I’d forgotten 

To shrink the distance in between us, 

A burden that is marred by sorrow…

"You pinned me with your black sphere eyes
You know that all the rope's untied
I was only for to die beside" - Bon Iver

When the dogs get barking

The tremor lands. It vibrates up to my jaw. Lucky shakes his little stump of a tail, and Nina barks, barks, and barks.

Lucky is a chihuahua terrier mix, and Nina is a happy Schnauzer. She smiles and is lovely. Crawls up your legs and lays up against the thighs.

We made the assumption her previous owner cut her tail off. She seems to have experienced some type of trauma in her past. She is protective and is all for infinite touch. Lucky is not trained and is very protective of his space, but he lets me pet him. Unless he steals something, then he becomes a real motherfucker.

Nina’s barks are loud and unsettling. You have to pet her to get her to stop. Sometimes you even have to hold her. Her doggy breath is harsh, and she drops her tongue in excitement all over you.

There was a time before the dogs. My nerves did not fry as quickly.

They run at the door, and you nearly trip over them. They shake their tails, and all they want to do is love and be loved.

The barking is a terror when you just want to. You just want to be.

When the dogs get barking. My nerves get dancing, and my soul drops a thousand feet.